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Women's HumorThis weeks "Men Are Like" joke...
Men are like.....Coffee. Three GirlfriendsThere is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. Term Paper A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam
paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
Breast FeedingA woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out. When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked. "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse." The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!" Small and Large Breasts Women with large breasts...
Women with small breasts...
Adam and Eve - A New ViewAnd God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" ........And God created man. ProverbsHonesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bugspats. The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies. Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same. A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. An agreeable person is some who agrees with you. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for. Boys will be boys....and so will a lot of middle aged men! In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. If a first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. MORE JOKES!!! - ADULTS ONLY!!!Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes....BEFORE closing. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too... AND ....the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina........... 1. Finally, find that damned G-spot. Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Learn to stare with that "I'm undressing you" look. 8. Find out want is so fasinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other women at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Gain an understanding about the use of cups and the term 'blueballs'. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. AND......the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis....... 1. Get a blow job. |
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